BusterStronghart@Gmail.com

1. From the Desk of David Pogue: How to Survive a Tech
Support Call
=============================================================

OK, we all know that the tech-support problem is out of
control these days. But just for fun, reader John Stumpf, ex-
CIO and now just a "retired geek," wrote up a Guide to Dell
Tech Support that's so clever/funny/smart, I had to pass it
on. Please welcome substitute columnist John Stumpf.

PREPARATORY WORK

So it has happened: you have fired up your Dell PC, and -
nothing. Or the dreaded "cannot find boot drive" or something
like that. Now you are forced into the unenviable position of
having to call Dell Off-shore Hardware Support. Look at it as
a journey, one on which you will be tested, much like Job or
Arthur Dent. You will descend into the ninth circle, but with
the proper preparation, tools and attitude, you will return,
a better person for it.

First, before you call, prepare. Raid your kids' library and
find some simple reading primers along the lines of "See Spot
Run." This will help you speak in non-complex sentences and
monosyllabic words.

Make an appointment for that root canal you have been putting
off. After what you are about to experience, you will look
forward to it.

Buy a speakerphone; it's tough to stay rational when your
neck is cramped.
When you are ready to MAKE THE CALL, go to the bathroom, take
an aspirin, get a book or crossword, stock up on water and
nibbles (preferably ones with high sugar content and no
nutritional value; Twinkies are good). Shoo the kids out of
your den; it's possible that they will hear things that could
cause serious psychological issues later.

Do your relaxation exercises; take a sip of water; remember
Dan Rather's closing, "Courage." And MAKE THE CALL.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

The first thing that you will get is a recorded announcement
saying that you can go to support.dell.com online to get
help. This is your first test. Refrain from screaming that
your PC is broken and you can't GET to the Internet. This is
where it is handy to have a towel to bite on, so your family
doesn't hear you screaming at a recording.

You may also be asked to enter your "Express Service Code."
(The discussion of why you have an "Express" Service Code
when you are spending a long time on hold is best put off for
another time.)

Eventually you will get to a person. You will tell him/her
why you are calling, and most likely you will be told you
have to call someone else. They will offer to transfer you,
but before they do, GET THE EXENSION NUMBER. This is very
important, especially when (not if) you get cut off. Note
that it is a seven-digit extension number.

While waiting, pause and ponder the size and complexity of a
company that needs an extension number the size of your phone
number.

Now you are getting close. You will eventually get to someone
who after getting your name, address, problem, and again,
Express Service code, will say the magic words, "I can help
you with that problem." You have now contacted a Dell
Offshore Personal Expert - a DOPE.

Some notes on this part of the process:

* The DOPE will probably call you by your first name, because
he/she wants to be your new best friend.

* He/she will profusely thank you at every step of the way
for the same reason.

* He/she will have a notable American name like Patrick,
Matthew or even a Shaun. Do not react to this.

But congratulations; YOU HAVE REACHED SOMEONE WHO IS TRYING
TO HELP YOU! You reached the ninth circle, and all you have
to do is return.

THE RETURN

What happens now will vary depending on your problem. But
here are some guidelines for dealing with the DOPES.

* Do not yell at them. Aside from the fact that it is rude, I
think the phone system has a volume limiter that will cut you
off. Bite the towel instead.

* Do not try sarcasm; DOPES don't understand it. Again, bite
the towel.

* Ditto humor.

* Do not use words like "escalate" or "supervisor." In my
case, they were greeted by a frosty silence. My guess is that
they sound like obscenities in the local language.

* Do not ask if there is U.S.-based support. You will be told
that there is "no U.S.-based Dell support."

* You may be told that the DOPE will take personal
responsibility for your problem. Loosely translated, this
means you will never hear from him/her again.

THERE IS HOPE

At some point in this process, you may reach a Newly Oriented
Dell Off-shore Personal Expert - a NO-DOPE. This is a person
that has recently joined Dell who hasn't been fully trained
and therefore will approach your problem in a friendly,
knowledgeable and professional manner. He/she will solve your
problem in less time than it took to write this.

The moral of the story is to keep trying; eventually you will
reach a NO-DOPE.

YOU HAVE DONE IT

See, I told you that you could do it. Let the kids and pets
back in, throw out the towel, and start using complex
sentences and polysyllabic words again. And late that night,
after everyone has gone to bed, break out the 12-year-old
stuff, and toast yourself. Tomorrow you can reload all your
programs and restore your data from your backup. You do have
a backup, don't you?

(All of the events related here are based on my experience
with two incidents. The process was so frustrating that I
probably will not buy another Dell. And of course apologies
to Dante, Doug Adams, Greek mythology and those at Dell Off-
shore Support who are great.)




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Due to my experiences with Dell Dis-Support over the last ten years I have resolved never to buy another Dell Machine No Matter How Highly They Are Rated by Consumer's Reports. I have owned four different Dells (two lappies and two desk-tops) and with the exception of Dell Dis-Support I think that they were okay.

In the meantime, I have a problem with my Dell Inspiron 8600 and I have been procrastinating and have not called for dis-support for at least a year due to Dell-Dis-Support Phobia. For all I know my problem may not be a Dell problem -- it might be a BellSouth problem, but I am too afraid to call Dell-Dis-Support to find out.

There is no excuse for a successful company like Dell, a company that makes boatloads of money, to abuse its customers like Dell does. But, for several years Business Schools taught that short term bottom lines were much more important than long term customer relationships. From my perusals of the Harvard Business Review, I get the feeling that some doubt has recently been sown in that sad, selfish, shortsighted theory. In a few years, or perhaps in several years, companies may come back to their customers. But I doubt that it will be American owned companies. Think, Toyota, and how it drove General Motors to the junk yard.

Here's a horrible statistic: Wall Street capitalises GM at 13 billion dollars. .. Wall Street capitalizes Toyota at 193.5 Billion dollars.

GM used to be a bellwether stock for the entire market. Let's hope it no longer is. And Charlie Wilson, Ike's Secretary of the Defense, and former president of GM, used to say, "What's good for GM is good for the nation." -- Well, Chapter 11 will be good for GM. What does that say for US?

mek